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It's been a while..
Wow, it's pretty amazing to look back at my previous entries. There's a mix of horror and pride to see how much a a dumb teenager I was but I have to hand it to myself, I was pretty damn funny! Is it sad to look upon this journal with fond memories? To think, instead of going out, screwing guys, drinking, doing drugs and partying my ass off I was passionately writing humourous mini fan-fictions but yet I still turned out pretty much the same as everyone else!
Well...at least I still have my integrity, and I won't lose that drive, that need, to be someone worth something. I think for a little while I started believing that I had to be one of them to get by. Nothing seemed to earn me any credit, no one laughed at my jokes, told me I was talented, or even said I was a good person. At some point between the age of 16 and 18 something brought me down. It's frightening to know now that I almost lost who I was, I almost lost what made me me.
I was almost broken.
You ever meet someone before and after they became addicted to heroin? afterwards, its like something broke them, replacing their hopes for a future is a hope for a normal life. Their standards are lowered, and looking into their eyes, its like seeing a shell of a person. I feel like everyone goes through a transformation like that, its just with a drug addict, its more drastic, more obvious.
If you lost touch of something you value greatly, its really hard to get back. My boyfriend and I were talking today about how we felt so much more talented as teenagers; "I don't know if it's that I was better then or if was just that thought I was " Kris told me. I think its both. We all get brought down by someone, some people have enough support and confidence to get through it, and some just keep getting hurt over and over again.
I think after so many people or things just wittling away your self confidence you lose a lot of your drive, but theres a danger zone where you just start stooping long after something has held you down.
But times are changing for me, I have a boyfriend who will hold me up when I let myself stoop, and a job that forces me to use my creativity. I have classes that are forcing me out of my insecurities and friends that won't judge me. I may never have a mother who will make me feel like I can do it or a father I can cry to, but I am grown up now, so I won't need to hear her discouraging words every time I come home!
Life is really good, and at this rate it will only get better. I'm glad to have survived the Test of Hormones; not only did I come out alive, but I still value the same things, I didn't lose touch with the part of my youth that was smart!
When I remembered my days at livejournal all I could see were people flaming me, telling me how much of an asshole I was. I remember one person anonymously hate commented every entry! But you know, thats the kind of shit you should expect to get when you have the balls to say what you're going to say.
I need those balls back, and godammit, I'll fucking get them back, but this time, they're here for good!
And thank you so much everyone who appreciated my stuff, you may have been just as immature as I was when I wrote it, but its good to know that some people in the world understood my humor. You make me believe in myself
Well...at least I still have my integrity, and I won't lose that drive, that need, to be someone worth something. I think for a little while I started believing that I had to be one of them to get by. Nothing seemed to earn me any credit, no one laughed at my jokes, told me I was talented, or even said I was a good person. At some point between the age of 16 and 18 something brought me down. It's frightening to know now that I almost lost who I was, I almost lost what made me me.
I was almost broken.
You ever meet someone before and after they became addicted to heroin? afterwards, its like something broke them, replacing their hopes for a future is a hope for a normal life. Their standards are lowered, and looking into their eyes, its like seeing a shell of a person. I feel like everyone goes through a transformation like that, its just with a drug addict, its more drastic, more obvious.
If you lost touch of something you value greatly, its really hard to get back. My boyfriend and I were talking today about how we felt so much more talented as teenagers; "I don't know if it's that I was better then or if was just that thought I was " Kris told me. I think its both. We all get brought down by someone, some people have enough support and confidence to get through it, and some just keep getting hurt over and over again.
I think after so many people or things just wittling away your self confidence you lose a lot of your drive, but theres a danger zone where you just start stooping long after something has held you down.
But times are changing for me, I have a boyfriend who will hold me up when I let myself stoop, and a job that forces me to use my creativity. I have classes that are forcing me out of my insecurities and friends that won't judge me. I may never have a mother who will make me feel like I can do it or a father I can cry to, but I am grown up now, so I won't need to hear her discouraging words every time I come home!
Life is really good, and at this rate it will only get better. I'm glad to have survived the Test of Hormones; not only did I come out alive, but I still value the same things, I didn't lose touch with the part of my youth that was smart!
When I remembered my days at livejournal all I could see were people flaming me, telling me how much of an asshole I was. I remember one person anonymously hate commented every entry! But you know, thats the kind of shit you should expect to get when you have the balls to say what you're going to say.
I need those balls back, and godammit, I'll fucking get them back, but this time, they're here for good!
And thank you so much everyone who appreciated my stuff, you may have been just as immature as I was when I wrote it, but its good to know that some people in the world understood my humor. You make me believe in myself
amused
depressed
frustrated
angry
accomplished
